SEO Spam Emails: Rupert's a Lying Windbag

Got another one this morning. "Dear Business Owner, I noticed your website isn't ranking on Google. I can fix that for you!"

Every day. Every damned day.

Delete. Block. Move on.

Here's the thing - I run an SEO company. My website literally ranks for hundreds of SEO-related keywords. Yet I still get these emails daily telling me how invisible I am online. If they can't even check whether I'm already ranking before sending their spam, why would I trust them with my SEO?

But I get it. When you're a small business owner and someone emails saying they can get you on page one of Google, it's tempting. Especially when your website actually is struggling. So let's talk about why these emails are rubbish and what you should do instead.

The Anatomy of an SEO Spam Email

These emails follow a predictable pattern. I've received thousands over the years (yes, thousands - I counted once). They usually include:

The fake personal touch: "I was browsing your website and noticed..." No, you weren't. You scraped my email from somewhere and bulk-sent this to 10,000 other businesses.

The vague problem: "Your website has critical SEO issues preventing it from ranking." Which issues? They never say. Because they haven't actually looked.

The impossible promise: "We guarantee first page rankings in 30 days!" Google themselves can't guarantee that. How can someone who doesn't even know your business make that promise?

The pressure tactic: "This offer expires in 24 hours!" Of course it does. They don't want you thinking too hard about whether this makes sense.

Last week, I received one claiming my "Bedford accountancy website" wasn't ranking. I don't have a Bedford accountancy website. I have an SEO company website that ranks rather well, thank you very much. They couldn't even get the basic facts right.

But here's the kicker - I do have a client in Bedford who's an accountant. And their website ranks brilliantly. So not only did the spammers get my business wrong, they missed the fact that if I did have a Bedford accountancy website, I'd already know how to rank it!

Why These Emails Are Dangerous (Not Just Annoying)

Look, it's not just that these emails waste your time. The companies behind them can actively damage your business.

I've seen the aftermath too many times. Clients come to us after working with these "guaranteed rankings" companies. Their websites have been stuffed with keywords that make no sense. They've got thousands of spammy backlinks from dodgy sites. Google's penalised them, and now they're genuinely invisible online.

Just last month, a new client in Milton Keynes discovered why their website wasn't showing up anywhere. Their previous web design team had riddled the content pages and robots.txt file with "nofollow, noindex" tags. Nothing was being indexed. Even Google Search Console couldn't index the sitemap! They'd literally told Google to ignore the entire website. That's not SEO - that's digital suicide.

The really sneaky ones don't just damage your SEO - they hold you hostage. They build your website on their platform, optimise it using their tools, then if you try to leave? Poof. Everything disappears. You don't own any of it.

How to Spot Legitimate SEO Outreach

Now, not every SEO email is spam. Sometimes legitimate companies do reach out. Here's how to tell the difference:

They've actually looked at your website. Real SEO professionals will reference specific issues. "I noticed your homepage title tag is 127 characters - Google truncates at 60" beats "Your SEO needs work" every time.

They understand your business. They'll mention your services, your location, maybe even your competitors. They've done homework beyond scraping your email address.

They're transparent about methods. Legitimate SEO companies will explain their approach. If someone won't tell you what they'll do until after you pay, run away.

They have a real business presence. Check their website. Look for case studies, team information, a physical address. Google them. If the SEO company doesn't rank for SEO terms in their own area, that's a red flag the size of a football pitch.

They want to meet you. We don't take on any client without a Website Fitness Evaluation first. If they're not interested in understanding your business goals, they can't help achieve them.

What to Do When You Get These Emails

First, don't panic. Just because someone says your website is invisible doesn't make it true. Here's your action plan:

Check for yourself. Google your business name. Search for your main services plus your location. Are you showing up? If yes, that email was lying.

Use free tools. Google Search Console (it's free) shows exactly how your website performs in search. No guessing needed. If you're not using it, set it up today. It takes 10 minutes. Need help understanding what all those numbers mean? Our Optimiser Essentials service includes tools that make sense of your data.

Get a proper evaluation. If you're genuinely concerned about your SEO, get a real assessment from a reputable company. A proper SEO audit looks at your specific situation, not generic problems.

Trust your instincts. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Nobody can guarantee first page rankings. Google's algorithm has thousands of factors. Anyone claiming they've cracked the code is either lying or about to get you penalised.

Report the worst offenders. Forward obvious scams to report@phishing.gov.uk. The National Cyber Security Centre will investigate it. It might not stop them immediately, but it helps protect others from these scams.

The Truth About Getting Found Online

Here's what those spam emails won't tell you: Good SEO takes time, expertise, and consistent work. It's like getting fit - despite what Instagram says, you can't get a six-pack in 7 days.

Your website needs to be technically sound. Your content needs to genuinely help your customers. You need other websites to reference yours. Your Google Business Profile needs attention. It's not about tricks or shortcuts - it's about doing things properly.

I've been doing this since 1995, before Google even existed. I've seen every trick, every shortcut, every "guaranteed ranking" scheme come and go. You know what still works? Creating a website that serves your customers well and making sure search engines can understand it. (If you're wondering what that actually means in practice, check out our guide on what SEO really is.)

That's not sexy. It doesn't fit in a spam email. But it works.

When You Actually Need SEO Help

Sometimes those spam emails arrive at exactly the wrong time - when you're genuinely struggling with visibility and wondering if maybe, just maybe, this email is the answer.

If you're really not showing up in search results, if competitors you're better than are stealing your customers, if your website feels like that tree falling in the empty forest - you probably do need help.

But please, don't reply to those emails. Find someone reputable. Check their credentials. Ask for references. Make sure they'll explain what they're doing and why. Ensure you'll own everything they create. Get someone who sees your success as their success.

Make sense? SEO companies that actually care about your results rather than just taking your money.

The Email I Got This Morning

Want to know what triggered this blog post? Here's the email I received at 8:47 this morning, reproduced exactly as written:

"Hello, I am Rupert, a Search Engine Optimisation Specialist. Your company came up as I was searching for businesses in the your area. You appeared on page 5 of the search results. This means that you're losing at least 70% of your potential customers to the competition and I can fix that. Are you happy with your current online presence?"

Page 5? Really, Rupert? I literally run an SEO company. My website gets found by the people who need to find it. I know this because - wait for it - they keep hiring me. Our website fitness is doing just fine, thanks.

The real clue that they aren't a genuine opportunity for me? They haven't actually looked at my website. They know nothing about me. If they did, they wouldn't be sending me this email. If you sold used golf balls, I wouldn't send you an email offering to sell you used golf balls. I'll be honest, I lose my own golf balls before I ever have a chance to sell them. But I needed an analogy here to make my point and this fit.

But Rupert doesn't care about facts. He probably sent this same email to every business in Bedford, hoping someone bites. Someone panics. Someone hands over their credit card details to fix a problem that might not even exist.

Don't be that someone.

A Quick Reality Check

Here's a fun fact: even businesses with excellent SEO still get these spam emails. Why? Because the spammers don't actually check if your SEO is working before hitting send.

I run an SEO company and get them daily. My clients - whose websites rank brilliantly - get them too. One client forwarded me a spam email last week claiming their website was "invisible on Google." They're actually ranking #1 for their main keywords and getting more enquiries than they can handle.

These emails mean nothing about your actual SEO performance. They're fishing expeditions, cast wide in hopes of catching someone who'll panic and pay.

If you want to know how your SEO is really performing, check your actual results: Are you getting enquiries? Is your phone ringing? Are the right customers finding you? Look at your actual metrics - traffic, enquiries, sales. Those are the metrics that matter, not what some random email claims.

What Should You Do Right Now?

If you're worried about your online visibility - genuinely worried, not just because Rupert emailed you - here's what actually helps:

1. Check your current rankings using Google Search Console or just searching for yourself
2. Fix the basics like your Google Business Profile (it's free and it works)
3. Create content that helps your customers instead of trying to trick Google
4. Get a proper website evaluation from someone who'll meet you and understand your business

And next time you get one of those emails? Delete it. Block the sender. Move on with your day.

Because here's the truth - the companies sending those emails aren't interested in your success. They're playing a numbers game. Send enough emails, scare enough people, and someone will pay.

You deserve better than that. Your business deserves better than that.

Get a Real Assessment (Not Rupert's Rubbish)

Look, if you're genuinely concerned about your website's performance - maybe you've noticed fewer enquiries, or competitors seem to be everywhere while you're nowhere - let's have a proper conversation about it.

Our Website Fitness Evaluation is the opposite of those spam emails. We'll actually look at your specific website, understand your business, and give you honest feedback about what's working and what isn't. No scare tactics, no made-up problems, just a clear assessment of your online fitness.

If your website's already fighting fit? Brilliant - we'll tell you that too. At least you'll know for certain, not because Rupert said so.

Book your evaluation today and let's see what your website actually needs. Because unlike Rupert, we look before we leap.